kayruh

Do we ever really forget the past? Do we every really move on from it? We say we do. We think we do, until something happens that puts us back there and all of a sudden we can't separate the past from the present. Not in a bad way. Not in a good way. In a maybe slightly disconcerting way. It's almost like you have to compartmentalize all of these different versions of yourself that are present in your mind: who you were then, who you are now, who you wanted to be then, who you want to be now. What from your past are you ready to part with? What from your present are you ready to embrace? Can you let go of the person you hoped you'd be? Can you accept the person that you've become?

It's all very...dizzying. I don't know what to make of it.

Decisions. Decisions.

www.repo-opera.com

Cleaning is draining. Not so much the cleaning itself, I find that cathartic. It's the purging. Yes, the end result is worth it, but I feel like I'm swimming in crap and nostalgia. Things are never tidy enough for me, never organized enough. Thank you, OCD.

http://swimnakeddefygravity.blogspot.com/

Hello all. Sorry I never update. I kind of stay away from the computer as of late for quite a few reasons. One of those reasons happens to be that I use my parents computer which is..how you say...a piece of shit...so, I often get far too annoyed to deal with it.

There's a lot I could write about. Deep ramblings are in here somewhere, but they are more reserved for the page than the computer. LJ isn't really a journal at all, it's a way for us to bitch at eachother or find support when we need it or just vent in hopes that someone will hear. The joy of a paper journal is that no one hears you, except you, which is more important than the masses or "that guy".

I know I should write my little updates...waiting to hear about a new job, sick of chilis, new boyfriend, losing weight on WW, etc. etc, but I don't really feel up to it at the moment.

I will say this

I miss my brother and my joey and all of the marietta crew. Let's get together.

Ryan: You're a prostitute, kurrrr.
Me: Why am I a prostitute?
Ryan: Because you suck dick for money.
Me: That doesn't make me a prostitute, that makes me an entrepreneur.

As some of you already know, i have the strangest dreams known to mankind. Here's what I remember of last night's adventure:



So, I'm sitting in a class of some sort. I think it was supposed to be advanced physics or something like that, and the class was being taught by my middle school orchestra teacher Mrs. Conner. Anyway, there was this girl in the class who had gotten pregnant and decided not to keep the baby. She kept a journal of her thoughts and decisions and had it in class with her. Well, apparently Mrs. Conner came across the journal, read it, and decided to tell the whole class. She went about it in a completely nasty way because she was vehemently opposed to abortion and her only intention was to verbally bash the girl who was pregnant, tell her she was going to hell, etc. etc. And that's what class became about. No more physics, just "why you shouldn't have an abortion". I became increasingly angry as I am very much pro choice, and I finally stood up and spoke out. I told Mrs. Conner off and told her that I was going to have her fired for what she was doing. I grabbed the journal as my proof and I ran. I ran down all of these winding corridors and finally got to another professors office. I knew Mrs. Conner was chasing me, so I asked this other professor to hide me and the journal. She agreed and she put the journal in a desk drawer, while I hid in a back room with a vast amount of old clothes. I heard a scuffle and when I finally came back, the professor that was hiding me was passed out, and the journal was gone. I went to the dean and told him my side of the story, but Mrs. Conner denied any wrongdoing, and as I no longer had the journal as my proof of foul play, the dean took her word against mine and decided to press charges for filing a false report and attempting to get a teacher fired. There was to be a big trial and there was a very big chance that I'd be going to jail. Things start to get a bit fuzzy here, but I do remember having this amazing (and pretty damn cute) boyfriend named Aidan who was all worried that I was going to go to jail. He called me telling me how much he needed me and how lost he'd be without me. (I think I always have dreams where I have this great boyfriends who profess their undying love for me because I've never actually had that in real life and what girl doesn't want a guy who'd move heaven and earth for her if he could? really.) Anyway, so there's a big trial and they accuse me of not only filing a false report and attempting to get a teacher fired, but they also charge me with kidnapping (????). It turns out all of my classmates from advanced physics rush to my defense and vouch for me on the stand and all of my charges get dismissed. Apparently no one was allowed in the courtroom or the courthouse at all during the trial so I had to go to my boyfriends apartment to tell him I had been cleared. He was so happy and just squeezed me super tight and started to cry a bit. And then he proposed and told me he couldn't live without me. I accepted, kissed him, and woke up.

one word: crazy.



lol.

So I kinda want to update, but there's a lot of shit going on right now and I don't want to sit here and bitch about how shitty life is right now. I'll give you a brief rundown

My last semester at school. YAY! My last day of finals is December 11th. Roughly two months and two weeks away. I don't want to stay in Georgia once I graduate. I know where I want to go, but I'm not going if this is not going to be given a chance..and a certain someone wont even talk to me about it and my pushing is just pushing that person away and I DON'T WANT THAT, so I digress. Quite obviously, this is something that I'm having anxiety about. Back to NY is the 2nd choice, and likely what will happen....I need to learn to set myself up for disappointment...then it doesn't hurt so bad when I don't get what I want.

I also have not-so-great medical things going on. Let's just say I have 2 big and "suspicious" cysts on my ovaries. We're waiting to see if they shrink. If they don't (and they havent) I will likely need a Laparotomy. All I can do is wait.


So, yeah, I'm debbie downer right now, and I apologize. I just don't know what to do with everything..and the one person who seems to make my shitty days better isn't too happy with me right now, so yeah, that's that.

I, however, am spending more time with the marietta crew, and I must say, I HAVE MISSED YOU GUYS. Although I miss the city, it's nice to be home. Ben's mom said something that made me smile last night. She was telling me how proud she is that I'm going to be graduating college and then I reminded her that I'm going to med school and she goes "OOh, we're gonna have a doctor in the family". And that just made me smile, because those guys are, in a lot of ways, a second family to me, and I love them all very much :)

So yeah, that's about it. I have a lot going on in my head right now, and I need an outlet. I'm trying not to dump my shit on people for two reasons. 1. my friends have enough shit to deal with right now, they don't need my crap on top of it. 2. a lot of people have decided not to listen to me when I need to vent, just tell me what I need to do. Sometimes I just want a shoulder, not someone to tell me what I ought to be doing.

I dunno. HOpefully things will start looking up soon. Maybe I'll win the mega millions tonight. lol. That would be sweeeet.

I have no idea what to do right now. No fucking idea.

No matter what, I'm the bad guy here ...and i have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to end up with the short end of the stick, yet again.

So I'm either the devil, or im heartbroken. Life loves me.


I want to vomit right now.

...frustrated. And tired of feeling like I'm just never enough. I can get people to be with me, I just can't get people to stay with me, and it just leaves a person feeling very...inadequate. I don't know. I don't want to keep going through this. It makes my heart hurt.

In other news, my health update is such: I have a bad kidney infection. It's feeling much much better today, which is good, although my kidney's are a little tender today. The doc said I probably did have a kidney stone on wednesday passing it is which caused me all of that pain.

Time to go do some homework. That's right. Its 11pm on a friday and I'm gonna go do organic chemistry. yay. If i get it done tonight, then I can go out tomorrow night after work.

Call me or text me even still. I need some love.

I forget that I have this thing sometimes. Damn myspace.

I'd update, but you really don't want to hear it.


Houston was fun. How's that?

do not forget about drinking tomorrow night! I'll be in Mtown all day. Call me.

but I'm tired and i have to get up early tomorrow. well, i dont HAVE TO, but I choose to. anyhooo..I'm going to bed.

Look for a big post tomorrow. :)

I'm back.

Update to follow shortly.

You know you missed me.

I know this is lame, but i'm making a v-day gift for the ole boyfriend and I need some help. I need as many quotes about love, or about caring about someone, or whatever that you can think of...songs, poets, authors, i dont care. post anything you can think of (with the author)

thanks!!


♥ cara

I need help moving tomorrow. For serious. Dad hurt his back. I need maaaaaajor help.

call me

pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

I'll bake you cookies or something.

pure bliss.


:)

so, apparently you're supposed to take the first line of each entry for 2005 and thats your LJ year in review. here's mine.

"...now that it's over I'm older and colder this way...". unravel me. So, despite the fact that I'm going to med school and have aspirations of becoming a forensic pathologist, I have one dream that I don't think I've ever told anyone. who wants to teach me how to play the guitar? So, I spent all day at school Tuesday, as per usual, but I do not have a coat. In other news, I finally got my Derek Hess bag. first she steals my hair, now she's stolen my music. I think I'm going to throw up. I have to study for my Virology exam. These guys in the computer lab are sitting around watching many of the same movie trailers that I watched Sunday. So after weeks of trying to fight it off, I've gotten full blown sick.. So, I finally go to the doctor this morning. In the case of infected tissues, which are too large to ingest, IgG mediates attachment of a cytotoxic cell to the tissue, and the cytotoxic cell employs a bombardment strategy to kill the infected cell. I just chopped even more of my hair off. I am a visitor here. I am not permanent. I'm removing you from my friends page, although I still consider you a friend. smitten kitten. So, for the first time in her 22+ years, cara has a boyfriend. Let's just say I can't stop smiling. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOEY/BULLET/HOLLYWOOD/ONEOFMYFAVORITEPEOPLEEVER! so is anyone going bowling this thursday? Just thought I'd post quickly to let everyone know I'm alive and doing well. In wonderful news, I have the best boyfriend ever. I'm getting 2 tattoos tonight. If anyone wants to come, I'll be at Liberty tattoo on Ponce (& freedom pkwy basically) at 8pm. No, I'll lay half empty…where are we? what the hell is going on? This time was our summer. im starting over. I am thankful for jason dumping me. we are bowling this thursday, beeeshes. why is the kaplan MCAT review course over $1500? I don’t want to be alone. Why is everyone posting entries that just say "Fuck"?? I need help moving, guys. So, eric and I are painting our ENTIRE new apartment. I’m not as strong as I’d like to believe.

I'm not as strong as I'd like to believe.